I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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