I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
