You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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