you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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