R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
