girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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