My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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