3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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