one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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