i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
