if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
