I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
