i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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