I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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