Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
