apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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