I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
