I think i sorta joined a cult last night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
