Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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