Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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