I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
