Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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