One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
