this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize