he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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