last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
COCAINE IS GR8
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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