Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize