woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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