o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
