the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
