Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
