I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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