It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
