We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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