I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
