oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
