Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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