Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
