Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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