we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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