Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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