If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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