I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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