Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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