Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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