What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
