So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
