Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you traded sex for a burrito?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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