i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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