I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize