Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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