I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
