i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
