Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
