Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
