you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
