life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
