I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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