I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
