I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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