I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize