I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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