So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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