Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
